A few years ago, when I was the inexperienced person that I used to be, I didn’t really fit in anywhere. Being a mix of a lot of unusual characteristics and interests, I had the most assorted traits that you could ever hope to find in one individual, and it alienated me from the rest of my more (seemingly) ‘normal’ peers. I wasn’t into gossip or small talk, I didn’t think talking about what clothes to wear or buy was an acceptable way to pass time, I wouldn’t condone domination or an irrational desire to be a troublemaker. I was me. Sitting in a class where people considered not paying attention, passing notes, or not doing the homework as ‘fashionable’ or ‘enjoyable’, I was always the odd one out. The one who read books all the time, the one who didn’t talk much, the one who did all the homework and actually learnt in class, the one who was labelled the smart one and basically classified as an uninteresting nerd not worth sparing a second glance over.
This had always been the same ever since I was about 8, the time I started discovering different facets to my personality that were, well, different. I didn’t have a lot of friends, and the few new people who befriended me loved me at the start, but gradually starting avoiding me or kicking me out of their little ‘groups’ as they realized I was too different, something that they couldn’t wrap their heads around. I always felt this need to fit in, to try and be the same as everyone, to be ordinary. I felt the need to apologize for being who I was, and it was only quite a few years and terrible incidents later that I realized how wrong that was. I owed no one an apology for being my own person, because that was what I was supposed to be. I gradually built confidence in my abilities and more importantly, my personality. I stopped apologizing and started living. If I didn’t like something, you would hear about it.
Seeing this prompt reminded me of the times I felt like I had to apologize for being different, and I wrote this with the hope that even if one person gets the courage to stop apologizing for being who they are after this post, I shall consider the purpose of my blog fulfilled. However, this is not to say I’ve morphed into this completely self-actualized immortal being. I do have my flaws, like everyone else. I’m just aware of them. I, just like everyone else out there, have my moments of self-doubt. I’ve become so defensive of my recently found self-esteem that I sometimes misunderstand people’s intentions. But, that’s a story for some other time. For now, just stop apologizing, start living, and be proud of whomsoever you are (unless you’re a psychotic serial killer, in which case might I suggest you get some help?).
Apology – The Daily Post Prompt